Fall is settling in across the South Sound. We’ve had rain, lightning storms and the leaves are starting to go from green to red and yellow. Another thing I’ve noticed lately is how frequently I’m receiving calls or having conversations with people who are telling me bad, sad or scary news about their lives. Although it’s normal for me to hear this type of news (in my line of work and all, it’s only to be expected) it’s still hard to know what to say and lately it seems really frequent. While this is a tough topic to think about & talk about, it’s so important! It doesn’t matter who you are or who you know, it will happen. Lately I pulled out my copy of, “There is no Good Card for This” by Kelsey Crowe, PhD and Emily McDowell and compiled the thoughts below from my reading and my work experiences.
We’re all going to be face to face with a person who’s just lost a family member, been diagnosed with a scary illness, is getting divorced, has lost their job, or one of so many other things. And guess what? When you are looking the person in the eye, or hearing their sadness over the phone, it might feel impossible to say the right thing. One problem with this is that then some of us delay saying anything and/or even avoid the person who is going through the hard time. And one of the hardest issues people face when bad things happen to them is fearing that they will be avoided, treated differently, or left out of others’ lives in addition to struggling through the hard thing they are dealing with.
People often avoid the person who is hurting because:
They are afraid of doing the wrong thing;
They are afraid of saying the wrong thing; &
They are worried they don’t have enough time to give the person proper attention.
The good news is that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and most people make this whole thing harder than it needs to be. When someone is dealing with loss or pain, they are usually dealing with other losses, too-it could be their identity, their main companion, their community, their confidence or even their financial security. They could be overwhelmed and may not even know what they need. Which is why it’s important to reach out and offer support, help, love, and kindness even if you’re scared you’ll do it wrong. You might say the wrong thing but letting the person you know you care (even awkwardly) is better than not reaching out.
Things to keep in mind when reaching out: be kind, don’t pity, listen as a form of caring and understand that you don’t need to offer a solution (because you can’t solve the problem). When you’re not sure what to say, “I’m sorry,” or “How are you doing?” are solid ways to start. If you have had a similar experience, acknowledging that you’ve been through something similar might help to make the person feel like they’re not alone, so long as you don’t turn the conversation to your experience. You’re there for support, not to talk about you.
If you aren’t sure how to reach out, do what you can. If you see someone in person, say something. If you can call, pick up the phone. If that doesn’t feel right or you are scared, e-mail, text, message via social media. Even small gestures let someone know you are thinking of them. Send a card in the mail, leave flowers or a little gift. Rather than asking how you can help, offering something you’re able to do or give that you know would be helpful in some way (cooking, driving a kid to school or practice, feeding the pets, helping with a work project) may actually help the person more and take pressure off them. When you’re struggling, you often have no idea how someone could help you. It’s ok if it isn’t perfect and it’s ok if you put your foot in your mouth.
There’s so much more help in the book, and I would recommend it to everyone. If you want more depth and detail, I’d suggest reading the whole book. Again, it is “There is no Good Card for This” by Kelsey Crowe, PhD and Emily McDowell. Hope this compilation and my thoughts help you, too. As always, if I can help you or answer questions, shoot me an email.
